I’ve been struggling to hold on to my creative side for years, and I feel like it’s finally slipped through my fingers. Every attempt to create seems like a struggle, it’s not fun, I question if I even still want to create. Everything that comes out is dissatisfying and strained…
Collaboration between myself and
my boyfriend, Irvingbrew.
If you lie with rabid dogs, you’re bound to become one too.
Back at my old home, that was the environment I lived in. When you live with a rabid dog you’re constantly on your toes, careful not to anger her in fear she will lash out at you. But one swift bite is all it takes for you to be dragged into her manipulative and malicious behavior. Years of dodging her attacks and avoiding her teeth, I thought I had once let my guard down and suffered a foreboding injury. The thing is, when you live with your enemy you begin to think like your enemy. After a while you begin to stalk prey just as she had done; you’re quick to bite without barking a warning first, and slowly but surely you begin to lose your mind. Eventually I escaped her clutches and I’ve begun to recover, but for the longest time I was constantly angry, defensive, flashing my teeth, or plotting attacks on all the people I knew. I was hurt and afraid, and I had no one to talk to about the frightful things I had faced throughout my life. I trusted no one, I loved very few.
Abusive behavior is contagious and habitual. There is nothing you can do or say to deserve being abused, and it is never your fault. Everyone has the right to a safe and healthy relationship.
If you are a victim of abuse or domestic violence, don’t hesitate to seek help.
Abusive behavior can be physical, verbal, emotional, or sexual.
Randomly came across this in some files that I had lost in the past. I made this in early 2010 as an extremely personal piece for myself, but I never posted it.
This was an especially cathartic set of pages meant to illustrate the self-destructive habits I had developed over the early years before the creation of this comic. Most of these were social or psychological habits that emanated from an abusive and dangerous lifestyle that I had no control over. In turn those psychological habits gave birth to physically harmful habits such as constantly picking at the calluses on my feet untill they bled. My sudden realization of the damage I was doing to my body is what inspired this comic. I think in that moment I overcame a notable barrier in my life. I made several changes, starting with my personal image. Slowly I began to love my mind and spirit, then I began to love my body. I took care of myself; I stopped picking at the calluses, I stopped biting my nails. I had been walking in a circle of self-hatred and compulsive penance because I genuinely hated myself for things that others had done to me. I walked until my feet bled, then walked more. I didn’t even realize how deep-rooted my hate was or how long I had been walking until I one day I decided to pause and adjust my eyes…
All these years I had rejected and forsaken myself because of how filthy I felt. But in that moment of clarity, for the first time I can even recall in my life, I actually loved myself. I dropped to my knees and began to sob tears of passionate sorrow for what I had done. I kissed my filthy feet, I took a bath of hot water and apologies. I cleansed my mind and my body. I change my life.
a very personal piece of myself and
100 drawings done in the span of 3 hours of my pets. Most are of Blu, the spotted mutt-dog. Later appears Winston the Standard Poodle (who is in desperate need of a haircut), Sister the bobtail calico, and Nimbus the fat flame point tabby. These drawings vary from 10 second gestures, to 1-2 minute sketches, to 3-5 minute rendered drawings.
I always find a cup of Earl Grey or Citrus Green to be the best kind of therapy.
For those of you who are approaching finals and have the end-of-semester blues, hang in there… the season’s break has nearly begun. I wish you all the best of luck.
Self portrait done in watercolors.
I miss my puppy-dogs… so I painted portraits of them! Winston and Blu :)
Originals for sale! go to my etsy!